Reframe. Turn criticism into compassion.

Do you get defensive when hit by harsh remarks? Or unfair comments? Anger boils inside of me when I receive a negative comment. This happens regularly especially as elders in my family are often verbally abusive.

The late USA Supreme Court judge Ruth Bader Ginsburg has this wise advice, “tune out”. She was first given the advice by her mother in law, on the secret of a successful marriage. Tune out unkind and thoughtless words. Ginsburg was reported to have advised that she has applied that to all her work relationships. “It helps to be a little deaf”.

If you’d like to find out your boundary style, head over to terricole.com

I resonate with all the boundary styles Terri Cole described, and exhibit different styles with different people. Probably I’m a chameleon.

If you’re like me, and finding your style is not useful, a quick triage is to ask, what is this person’s relationship to me? Does this person have my interests at heart, e.g. my husband who cares for my wellbeing. Is that an area of my responsibility?

Does this person have a good track record on the subject matter? Is there something I can learn from how they handle the situation?

If the answer is no, tune out. Send breathes of compassion to ease their suffering, from their own guilt and shame. The tree of silence bears the fruit of peace.

A client of mine was fuming with guilt and shame when an acquittance criticised her for not doing more for her elderly parents. She was so consumed by it, even though she realised this acquittance was someone who had a miserable track record in the very area she was criticising others for.

The other person has the freedom to say whatever they want to. You have the freedom to choose when and how to respond. A wise mentor advised me “Be a cheerful giver. Give until you stop being cheerful. If its only 10 cents, that’s fine. “

TIP:

1. Tune out the harsh comments.
2. Inhale perfume breathes from your belly
3. Pause. Blow out breathes of compassion.

My favourite mindful breathing techniques, Alphabreaths. Thanks to Audrey of C3 for recommending this book.

Carving out white board time to think: hour of power

Why wake up one hour earlier than usual?

Is there an ideal waking time? For me this is 6am. Even when I do not have an early appointment, I found it beneficial to wake up at the same time everyday and follow a routine. This year, I’m working towards 530am.

What should I spend my time doing?

-Carve out personal space and set boundaries.

-Reflect on the day before.

-Understand how my brain works.

-Reflect on the day ahead

-Reflect on future

-What 20% of my activities may yield 80% results in future?

-What may I stop doing?

-How can I use constraints to my advantage?

-What are my hypotheses about the future – and how do they inform my actions today?

(Many of these reflective coaching questions are found in books by management guru Peter Drucker.)

Untangling our heart to move towards our goals

One day, two monks were on their way back to their hermitage when they came to a steep downhill slope. Both monks noticed a young lady who was afraid to climb down that slope. The elder monk reached out for the young lady’s hand and supported her safely down the slope.

After walking for a long while, the younger monk turned to the elder monk and said, “Brother, today you broke our hermitage’s most important rule of not touching a woman. ”

The elder monk replied, “I’ve sent her off, why are you still holding on to her?”

This story is often used as a parable to teach “non attachment” of thoughts. Importantly, its also about the importance of how to differentiate between social rules and religious rules. Rule of not touching an opposite gender is good in itself, to establish boundaries against sensual desires. But a more important rule is differentiating between helping those in need versus following religiously to a social rule.

Lest we laugh at the younger monk, age doesnt matter in this story,

Many institutions of faith have similar stories about religious rule vs moral rules. In Jewish texts, David ate holy bread to fill his hunger, on the run from King Saul. In New Testament, Jesus healed the sick on a Sabbath, which is a holy day of meditation and non activity.

Intentions of the heart is the common thread in these examples. Do we focus on goals for the greater good or do we let the fear of what others say about us take over.

What is the other monk’s real concern in this story? Rules of the hermitage? Safety of the young woman? Safety of the elder monk?

Unfortunately, in life, we navigate these mines that entrap us. If we care too much about social approval, we will not move towards values that matter. Our concerns reflect what matters to us.

Before you go around breaking any kind of rules, make time to discover values that matter to you. Importantly, like David of the Jewish texts, find others who share your values (1 Samuel 21:6). If you are in a position of influence, then take time to educate those who need enlightenment. Sometimes, it can take centuries.

#untangle #lovingkindness #meditation #Zentangle #mirrorinourheart #reflection #socialrules

Stewardship of resources, through me not by me

Recently, I wrote about the inner critic inside of me, how everything seems to be “against me”. This is often described as a victim complex.

The first level of consciousness, all these unending crisis happening “to me”, being the primary care-giver of my parents and not knowing what to do with their health crisis.

The second level of consciousness, I realised is that in my communication, I started to talk like a “superman”, I rushed to do this and I called this friend in the medical sector.

The third level of consciousness, is when I realised that all these resources are made available through me. Ultimately, I’m only a vessel of life. My parents need to make their own choices, and with the resources that the Divine God and supernatural forces provide, we are here to serve.

There is a fourth level of consciousness, “As me”, where we experience one-ness with the universe and all creation, to be able to see life and death as part of the rhythm of life. I’m not there yet.

Which level are you right now?

Who are we to not ask for more talent and more resources? Author Marianne Williamson was quoted as saying “Your playing small does not serve the world. As we unconsciously let our light shine, we give others the permission to do so.”

We dont own these resources, but they are made available to us, so that they can be used, through us. If the road is blocked, dont blame yourself or the circumstance.

Another author, Paul of Tarsus reminds me, I am loved, and nothing can seperate me from the love of God. Perhaps thats what level 4 consciousness is. To be grateful, and give thanks for the love of oneness.

#4levelsofconsciousness

Creating white space: How accepting my introversion motivates me to wake up at 6am

Like most people, I struggle to wake up early.  Reading LifeHack about how CEOs wake up at 4.30am and hit the gym did nothing for me. Are all successful people “early risers” or larks? There are successful owls too – Winston Churchill as pin-up poster boy. He led Britain to victory in two world wars, and was an accomplished writer and painter.

This year while teaching a class on Motivation theories, I am reminded of my Malaysian students who turn up for my 0830am class – on time, sometimes even earlier than me.  They cross the immigration border every morning, instead of living in expensive Singapore, while others saunter into class at 930am, if they even show up.

Intuitive-Feeling NF

As a Feeling person, I am inspired by these Johor Bahru students. For these students, I come to class early and want to be a happy teacher, not one with morning “peevishness”.

Coming from a “Shame” culture, knowing that many successful CEOs wake up early, does nothing for me. I feel ashamed of my inadequacy. And then guilty, because I’m a mixed up bag of a globalised Asian steeped in western education.

Introversion

As an introvert who lectures 30hrs-33hrs a week to class sizes of 45-100 university students, the last thing I want to do, after work-hours is to be with other people.  I’m exhausted from standing and speaking and responding to questions. After class,, more one-to-one time with introverted students who need more space. This overstimulation creates stress hormones which must be rid of.

 #1 Get rid of the negative toxins

Getting up early starts the night before. I hit the gym and exercise away the negative toxins. If I go to bed immediately, my brain will process all the over-stimulation of my senses from the day’s class. Studies have shown that introverts have a shorter neural pathway to the brain, they are stimulated faster than extroverts. Watching movies over-stimulates my senses. I read light relaxing materials.

Don’t ruminate. “F” are concerned about relationships. Stop going over the day’s events. If a thought comes up, Oh did I say something stupid in class. I stash such thoughts away, or I send positive thoughts towards that student.  Bashing myself up is not going to make me a better person.

#2 Ring-fence your time

As a Feeling person, its natural to want to attend to others first and my responsibilities. Its anti-social to want to go to bed early or not go to that dinner party with friends. I feel guilty for  not turning up for dinner with friends the night before an 0830am lecture.

Now I give myself permission to be selfish to spend “Me” time. Time for yourself is motivating for introverts. Waking up early gives me an hour, my best time to do something creative before showing up for work.  I have responsibility to the 100 students I’m meeting at 0830am and 12pm. They deserve a teacher who’s energetic, not one grouchy from lack of sleep.

#3 Set your alarm 

I’m a weak J. I’m not spontaneous. I work better with structure and knowing where I’m heading.  With a good nights rest, I wake up at 6am. The alarm goes off. If I’ve given my body at least 7.5hrs sleep, and set an alarm, my body wakes up slightly before the alarm goes off. If I tell my body the night before, that I’m waking up at 6am and mentally rehearse what I’ll do when I’m awake. First I drink coffee, then 2 cups of warm water, my breakfast at a coffee joint and I write one page…

Now I stop procrastinating. Most mornings, I don’t allow for snooze.  If I’m very worried over something and wake up at 3am, I get up and stop lying in bed. Either I meditate or write down what I can do about the situation. Lying in bed replaying the event is worse for me.

I discovered from a Traditional Chinese medicine book long ago that the ideal time to sleep around 10pm when the body is healing the large intestines and wake up between 5-7am.

This has worked for me especially where bowel movements is concerned. Drinking two glasses of warm water helps me kick start my day.

As an Intuitive, I draw meaning about my life’s situation and how time management can help me towards life purpose and leading a more meaningful existence.

What’s your MBTI?

[This article was first published on 21 Jan 2016 on wordpress.]

Metaphors – Im a Masterpiece

Sharing this beautiful song – Royalty

Like a brush in the hands of an artist
I am Your masterpiece
A thought before life ever started
You took Your time on me

A friend shared this insight. Does a brush know the intentions of the Master Painter? Sometimes, dark paint is used. Sometimes, empty spaces -silence. Other times, bright paint on the canvas of life.

At times, dabs, blobs to create texture. A brush does not know and cannot comprehend the final painting but trusts completely that the Master Painter will bring about a final picture that is full of glory.

Today, are we willing brushes? As humans, we have choice to use or not use our skills and where to use them.

Do you believe you are a mistake, accident? Or do you believe that your life is co-dependency with a Master Painter who wants to work with you and share the blue print of your life.

Unlocking creativity, shifting mindsets

Unlocking creativity, shifting mindsets by Michael Roberto

Time travel into your future self

What would your future self want to see? Jeff Bezos and Amazon staff use ” time travel” frequently to stimulate innovative thinking about new products ane services.

Andy Jassy of AWS explains that developers do not begin writing software code for a new project until they have drafted a hypotetical press release for their new product offering. Of course these press releases are not actually published for months or years.

Process is described as working backwards.

How do you shift perspectives?

Recently, I conducted a 20 yr future self visualisation at a workshop. If you are interested, link can be accesssed here.

Some participants fell asleep. Some younger participants had a peek at themselves at 40 yrs old and assured that all will be well, yet chose to keep future a mystery to be discovered.

One of my clients, Patricia, who was in her fifties, visualised herself in her seventies.

She later shared that her mother in law was currently in her 90s. Alive but flat on bed. She was so weak that she cannot sit up on her own and needed help with her waste disposal. She was on many pain relieving medication. Not knowing how to read or write, her days were spent lying in bed watching television, most of the time with deep anger and bitterness. She had no religion to provide comfort nor to deceive her.

Patricia learnt from this activity that if she were to have an active lifestyle in her seventied, she needed to plan for the unexpected possibility that her days might be longer than we hope for. When we say “life is short”, and live with expectation that death comes swiftly, the irony with modern medicine is a long slow death in spirit, emotion and body.

It changed her perspective on the investments she planned to reskill and keep in touch with active age-rs.

What short term, long term, infinite term planning are we willing to put in?

#future self visualisation

#short term

Bounded Feet

3 inch golden lotus feet

Bounded 3 inch golden lotus feet.

Would you believe that mothers used to bind feet of their daughters during the Qing dynasty so they will be of marriageable quality?

This pair of decorative shoes was gifted to me by my mom. But a hundred years ago in China, they were functional.

As I reflected on how older women used to bind the feet of younger women, a thought crossed my mind.

How are we binding the feet of the younger generation? With fear, doubt, negativity?

While our feet are no longer bound. Our hearts and minds are still bound.

Time to be free from this bondage.

Time to forgive the older women who did not know better.

Happiness is having big feet and shoes of peace to explore.

Feeling vs Choice

gratitude is a CHOICE, not a feeling.  Like any habit we want to develop, it takes practice.

How may I develop a *habit* of gratitude?

Today, I went where the pain is. A very controlling lady whom I didnt like very much, came to my mind. Practicising gratitude was tough.

But during the day, thoughts of how I first met her, and how her decision not to impose a decision on the group allowed me to do more research instead of coasting.

Biggest time waster for me in 2021 and before is spending an hour being angry and repeating same angry thoughts daily for 10 years.

Points of You Coaching Game

What is it time to start?

What do I want?

The Art of Happiness

The Art of Happiness by His Holiness Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler

This very well written book and easy to read, has so many parallels to another teacher, Saul-Paul.

Dalai Lama considers “the turning toward happiness as a valid goal and the conscious decision to seek in a systematic manner can profoundly change the rest of our lives”.

1. First step in seeking happiness is learning (p38). Learn how negative emotions and behaviour are harmful to us and how positive emotions are helpful.

Paul of Tarsus – Galations 5: 22

“The fruit of the Spirit is charity (love), joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self discipline (self-control)…”

Learn about the different mental states, classify them according to whether they lead to happiness or not. (p39)

Dalai Lama considers Constructive vs Destructive emotions such as hatred, fear sense of insecurity.

Personally I think its wise to learn about different emotions especially after I underwent coaching training, I begin to realise that Ps 128 talks about fear of the Lord, when I read the Hebrew word, it translates to “awe, reverence, wonder” and not the paralysing fear we talk about.

I agree with Cutler’s point that rather than classify mental states, emotions as “greed is sin” or “hatred is sin”, Dalai Lama classifies emotions as positive or negative to whether they lead to our ultimate happiness.

If happiness is simply a matter of cultivating more positive mental states like kindness, why are so many people unhappy?

Dalai Lama’s advice is that various techniques such as developing positive motivation:

“I will use this day in a positive way. I should not waste this very day.”

“Did I use this day as I planned”

Yes, rejoice.

No, regret and critique the day.

Although Dalai Lama claim these as buddhist practices, they are not solely, and are found in Catholic/Christian texts and Chinese philosophical texts. But what Dalai Lama is excellent in doing, is use scientific research, eg neuroplasticity of mind to underpin buddhism text.

Psalm 1 talks about how your social company can influence your ways. In Chinese proverbs, the saying goes that when you immerse silk in red ink, it becomes red. When you immerse it in black ink, it becomes black.

Through training, meditation practice, we can transform our mind, says Dalai Lama.

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” Romans 12:2 (Paul)

How do we renew our minds? Do not be conformed to the patterns of the world and with supernatural intervention. Although it is not fully explained in the Bible, as Christian Bible is limited to 66 books. Where Christian text differs is the belief that God has given the Holy Spirit.

Usefulness of Compassion

Dalai Lama: once you accept that compassion is worthwhile, realise its deeper value, then you immediately develop an attraction towards it, a willingness to cultivate it… Once you encourage thought of compassion in your mind, then your attitude towards others chsnges automatically….. But without the attitude of compassion, if you are feeling closed, irritated or indifferent, then you can be approached by your best friend and you just feel uncomfortable.

Paul: (Charity, Lovingkindness) Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. … And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 13

Further reading on cultivating compassion, joy, read Theresa of Lisieux and Teresa of Avila “The Interior Castle”.

With covid 19 and the rise of loneliness and depression, Cutler’s question to Dalai Lama on whether he felt lonely seems useful to me. (p70). Unlike investigators suggestion that the strategy to overcome loneliness is to work on improving social skills such as self disclosure, picking up conversational skills, Dalai Lama’s strategy is to bypass social skills and work on cultivating compassion.

Practice: Meditation on “our dependence on others”.

Do you wonder how many people are involved in making your shirt? The salesperson who sold the farmer the tractor, the people who grew the cotton, who sewed the cloth. Virtually every aspect of my life is the result of others efforts. Before we use the word “supply chain” and logistics realise our interconnectedness.

Although I was raised in a Buddhist family, with my grandmother and aunts living in temples and monastery, Dalai Lama’s interpretation is so different from what they taught in buddhism. I can only say his text is closer to Paul of Tarsus and influenced by his personality and staying outside of Tibet.

Cutler cites intimacy as being important in maintaining good emotional health from psychoanalyst Erich Fromm that humankind’s most basic fear is the threat of being seperated from others (p 79). Experience of seperateness and rejection is the source of all anxiety in human life.

Dalai Lama’s approach and that of St Paul, hands the locus of control back to the individual. Unlike American or French definition of intimacy as passionate, sexual relationship or attachment, it is a compassion of honor, respect, tenderness towards the other person.

Having heard the Dalai Lama over the internet, I can only guess that like Milton Friedman and the great saints, he possess an ability to cause trancelike state beyond human logic. Over the internet, I had difficulty understanding him and needed the help of translators like Ripoche. This has spurred me to learn more about NLP and how I can change my communication style to lessen others suffering, and if possible to bring joy.

Practice: Meditation on Compassion

1. Visualise a person who is acutely suffering, someone who is in pain or in an unfortunate situation. Reflect on the individual’s suffering (3 min).

2. Relate to yourself thinking “that individual has the same capacity for experiencing pain, joy, happiness and suffering that I do.

3. Allow your natural response to arise, natural feeling of compassion to that person.

4. Think how strongly you wish for that person to be free from suffering.

Comment:

I have difficulty releasing forgiveness. However, starting with thought of how the person is suffering releases me from having negative feelings to that person. In truth, we all have suffering. Difficult to believe that Bill Gates has suffering. That he causes others to suffer is easier to believe.

The difference is the starting point of what we believe and our thought pattern which sets us free.