Anything you say

A man is hiring for an accounting position and is conducting interviews for each of the hopefuls. The first accountant walks in and starts to introduce himself.

Accountant 1: “I’m here for the accounting position.”

Boss: What’s 2+2?”

Accountant 1: “4.”

Boss: “Get out.”

Sad, disappointed, and a little confused, the accountant slowly leaves the office. Then, a second accountant comes in.

Accountant 2: “I’m here for the accounting position.”

Boss: “What’s 2+2?”

Accountant 2: “4.”

Boss: “Get out.”

Just as confused as the first accountant, the second accountant leaves thinking that if the boss is that stupid he doesn’t want to work there anyways. On the way out, a new accountant walks into the office.

Accountant 3: “Hi. I’m here for the accounting position.”

Boss: “What’s 2+2?”

Accountant 3: “Anything you want it to be.”

Boss: “You’re hired.”

Recruitment Humor

*CORPORATE JOKE*

Agency: ” Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements, sir?”

MD: “Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department.

2. If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing.

3. If they messed up the whole room with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

4. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

5. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

6. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

7. If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

8. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

9. If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

10. If they have already left for the day, Put them in Marketing.

11. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

And…

12. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, Congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

(NB: Jokes I received. If you wrote these jokse, let me know and I will happily attribute you as source.)

Note to self

How useself are selection tools or profiling instruments in recruitment?

Humor on interviewing

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says, “I’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”

I went for an interview for an office job today. The interviewer told me I’d start on $2,000 a month and then after 6 months I’d be on $2,500 a month.
I told them I’d start in 6 months.

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

23. Employer: We need someone responsible for the job.
Job Applicant: Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.

Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless you’re applying to be a statistician.

I was asked what my greatest weakness was at an interview, and I said “my stubbornness”. They asked me to give more details, I said “no”.

The local police have asked me to come for an interview. I don’t even remember applying for a job there.

I was asked at an interview to describe myself in three words. I said “not very good at following instructions”.

https://www.distractify.com/humor/2018/11/06/2usLnK/jokes-about-work

Husband Store, Frank Farrelly collection of stories

A store that sells new husbands opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to The Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door read:

Floor 1 – These men have Jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign read:

Floor 2 – These men have Jobs, love the Lord and Love Kids.

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, love the Lord, Love Kids, and are Extremely
Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign read:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, love the Lord,  Love Kids, Good Looking and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign read:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, love the Lord, Love Kids, Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic
Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign read:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 4,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Watch your step as you exit the building.

Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store.

Below is another version from the worldwide web told to avoid gender bias charges.

The store’s owner opened The Wife Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that serve you daily.

The second floor has wives that serve you daily, love physical intimacy, have money and can really cook.

The third floor has wives that serve you daily, love physical intimacy, have money, can really cook, and are drop dead gorgeous.

The fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Reap what you sow. Sow positivity

种瓜得瓜 Sow what you reap
By 丰子恺 Feng ZiKai

Chinese ink painting
Singapore National Gallery

Simple can be harder than complex: You have to work hard to get your thinking clean to make it simple. But it’s worth it in the end because once you get there, you can move mountains. Steve Jobs

Jack Ma: The world is not about what you can do, but what you ought to do.
马云：世界不是因为你能做什么，而是你该做什么. Book by 丁翔

Lexophile

(Recently the following has been making its way through Whatsapp. I am sharing it here not knowing who the author is. This was sent by a former colleague TSL.)

Lexophile describes those with a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish,” or “To write with a broken pencil is pointless”

An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.

Some of these phrases need an understanding of science and cultural metaphors. An interesting way to teach students from a non Anglo-Saxon culture the idioms.

What careers do you think suits a Lexophile?

The last one is a reason to be humble and not smarty pants.

🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍊🍊🍊🍊🍋🍋🍋🍋

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.

I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

For more jokes to lighten your day:
Creating communities through laughter.

Chinese word puzzle

㊙中國字很有意思㊙

2個口是什麼字？ (回）
3個口是什麼字？ (品）
4個口是什麼字？ (田）
5個口是什麼字？ (吾）
10個口是什麼字？ (古）
11個口是什麼字？ (吉）
88個口是什麼字？ (谷）
1000個口是什麼字？ (舌）

Chinese word puzzle

㊙中國字很有意思㊙

2個口是什麼字？ (回）
3個口是什麼字？ (品）
4個口是什麼字？ (田）
5個口是什麼字？ (吾）
10個口是什麼字？ (古）
11個口是什麼字？ (吉）
88個口是什麼字？ (谷）
1000個口是什麼字？ (舌）

Who stole my lunch

Credit source: Mediacock FB page

A picture says a thousand words.

What do you see in this picture?
a. Old economy work place vs Newer economy- robots , technology disrupting our lives and livelihood!
b. Who stole my lunch?
C. Mistrust between management and worker
d. A company that is top heavy?
e. Workers do not know management’s value add. Poor communication by management?
f. Managers that are not value adding to the bottom line beyond paper pushing.

If the company continues down this route, its unlikely to last long before its overtaken by competitors.

Unfortunately, its true that many workplaces are short of workers because of lack of skills and the lack of attrativeness of certain jobs.

Salaries need to be adjusted to compensate person doing the work.

I wonder, if you were the worker on the ladder, what would you do ?

a) join a union
b) quit
C) brand myself
d) network to change jobs
e) start a company
f) become part of management

Other options?

Tom Hirschfield’s heuristics

Tom Hirshfield’s Rules of Thumb

1. If you hit every time, the target’s too near — or too big.

2. Never learn details before deciding on a first approach.

3. Never state a problem to yourself in the same terms as it was brought to you.

4. The second assault on the same problem should come from a totally different direction.

5. If you don’t understand a problem, then explain it to an audience and listen to yourself.

6. Don’t mind approaches that transform one problem into another, that’s a new chance.

7. If it’s surprising, it’s useful.

8. Studying the inverse problem always helps.

9. Spend a proportion of your time analyzing your work methods.

10. If you don’t ask “Why this?” often enough, someone else will ask, “Why you?”

Roger von Hirschfield’s blog:
http://blog.creativethink.com/2006/11/tom_hirshfields.html